Surefire Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices
by Tim Ward
I have heard the rumblings of many of you in
Readerland about the recent spike in
gasoline prices. In fact it's all I seem to
hear about lately. But at least it keeps you
from rumbling about the infrequency of my
columns and articles. Nonetheless, I have
decided to try to help you get through this
crisis by generously providing: 3 Ways to
Combat Rising Gas Prices!
1. Don't Drive Your Car
This is, of course, the most obvious
solution. If you never take the old Plymouth
out the driveway, then it won't matter that
at current gas prices it takes $125 to fill
up the 30 gallon gas tank, or that you only
get about 2.51 miles
to the gallon. If you never drive, you could
Of course, I know what you're going to say.
"But Tim, I have places I need to go-like
work. And the kids have school and soccer
practice. And then there's grocery shopping
and yoga lesssons and dinner at the
Richardsons and blah blah blah
and...." Ok, I get the point. Not everyone
can sit around the house writing
not-so-funny articles and searching the
Internet for Drew Barrymore photos like me.
I fully understand that some of you have a
life. But just because you don't drive
your own car doesn't mean you can't get
around. The answer?
It's seems so simple now doesn't it. Instead
of using your gas-Use Someone Elses! Have
someone else pay $5.50 a gallon for gas to
take your kids to school. Make someone else
dip into their retirement fund just so they
can cover the gas bill needed to get you to
the office and back everyday. Make someone
else get a
second job so that they can have a full tank
of gas in their SUV when your daughter needs
to cruise the mall. It's so simple.
Of course, the concept behind carpooling is
that everyone takes turns driving. So in a
normal carpool situation you would
eventually be required to use
your car and spend your money driving others
around. But this is not a Normal Carpool
Situation, this is a Tim Ward Carpool
Situation (TWCPS). In a TWCPS you
avoid using your own car by making it so
that the other carpool participants would
rather walk barefoot on 120 degree asphalt
than ride with you. You achieve this by:
(a) never washing or cleaning your car.
Leave it looking and smelling like the
(b) Have the worst behaved child in your
family sitting in the front seat at all
times. Feed the child lots of candy so
he/she is always superhyper.
(c) Refuse to discuss anything in your car
except your spouses bad bathing habits,
bodily fluids, hang nails, chest hair, etc.
(d) Only play reggae music on the radio.
You shouldn't have to worry about anyone
wanting to ride with you ever again.
3. Ride the Bus/Subway
Many cities have a mass transit system that
is an alternative to driving your own
vehicle. If you live in a city that doesn't
have one don't worry-you can
always move. Of course, riding public
transportation does have a few drawbacks,
but these can be easily overcome if you
follow these simple guidelines:
1. No matter what happens never, ever make
eye contact with anyone. Making eye contact
is an invitation for someone to mug you.
2. No matter what happens never, ever give
up your seat to anyone. This is seen as
weakness, and will be taken as an invitation
to mug you.
3. No matter how tempted you are never, ever
strike up a conversation with the person
sitting next or across from you. This is
very annoying and can be taken as an
invitation for someone to mug you. Or worse,
for someone to talk back.
4. Always make sure you are alert to get on
and off at the right stop. Getting off at
the wrong stop can lead to immediate
5. Never, ever take children with you on
public transportation. Fellow passengers
hate children. Children make you definite
mug victim material.
Well, there you have it. 3 ways to deal with
rising gas prices. Hopefully, you will be
able to use these methods to keep from
spending twice your car's Blue Book value
just going to Walmart. Hopefully, next time
your friends are grumbling
and ranting about the mounting gas prices
you will be able to just sit back and smile,
content because the issue no longer concerns
you. Hopefully, I've once more helped my
loyal readers in a time of crisis. And all I
ask in return as a simple thank you next
time you see me. Just make sure we're not on
the bus. I'd hate to have to mug you...
About the author:
Timothy Ward publishes the Ward Wide
Webzine, an ezine dedicated to bringing you
the most hilarious humor and the best
internet marketing articles and tips on the
Web. To subscribe today visit:
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